Top 5 Automated Messages

So Bam Bam tagged me for this weird one - things you would have automated messages say. Its making me think. I, like most people who have more than three brain cells, prefer not to listen to automated messages for any length of time. But like my friend, if I had to listen to them, at least they could be more realistic.

So here is my try:

1. A GPS system that skips the pleasant "Lost satellite reception" message and instead says "You'd better hope like hell you know where you are going, because we're somewhere between Hell's Half Acre and BFE Nowhere, and I ain't never found my way outta here before."


2. A cell phone 411 message that says "City and State, please. Not like our voice recognition software will recognize what you say anyway. But go ahead and try. You can hang up at anytime if you don't get the results you want. We don't care. We already charged your cell phone account the $1.50 when you pressed 'call'."


3. A computer smart enough that in addition to the little "beep" when you hit the wrong key, it shouts out "You're F---ed Now" the second before you get the BSOD (blue screen of death).


4. A security system that doesn't just beep at you when the wind blows the door open, but shouts out, in your mother's voice, "Are you trying to heat the whole neighborhood?"


5. An electronic scale with kind gentle words. Like "Wow MrsChako. Not only are you lighter, but look how perfectly prominent your hip bones are." Or "No worries . . . few more pounds today, honey, but men like a little meat on your ass." Or "Honey, you are smart, successful, happy - don't define yourself by a number like this." Or simply, "Damn girl, I don't even know why you are on this scale - you are looking fine!"

Respectfully submitted,

The Wife