Friday, October 5, 2007

What Do You Wear Under There?

Ah, to be a man, some days. Underwear for men essentially comes in two choices - boxers or briefs. If you like your boys to be cradled in firm but gentle comfort, you're a fan of the essential tighty-whities. If you like the boys to roam freely during the day, you're a boxers man. For those of you who like that close feeling without feeling like you're wearing underoos without the cool characters, I guess there are boxer briefs (I am going to assume that the other 12 of you boys who dare to wear silly bikinis or male thongs won't own up to it for the purpose of my post). Clearly the more fashionable compromise.
But the female gender has a confounding number of choices, none of which ever seem to be perfect. There are your basic granny-panties (too old-fashioned), the high-cut briefs (used to be good, but don't work with the low-rise fashions), bikinis (like the old 1970s kind - very retro), string bikinis, g-strings, thongs, low-rise thongs . . . the list goes on, and don't even get me started on color, fabric, and price. We're always searching for the perfect pair that is comfortable, doesn't ride above your pants, doesn't show panty-lines, doesn't show through, doesn't cut into your soft spots and cause the dreaded "double-cheek" syndrome, doesn't create uncomfortable and unflattering divisions elsewhere . . .

So the other day I was shopping the clearance racks and I decided to try another new style - the low-rise boy short. For those of you not familiar with this style, my butt-double (the resemblance is striking) will demonstrate. Claims of an invisible panty-line. My ass. No, literally, my ass.

Only a few of you may have actually had the privilege of meeting me as I tagged along with DrChako to one of those crazy Vegas blogger tourneys and you may have zero recollection of my butt (or care to, for that matter). It is by no means an oversized butt, but lets say that for my size and frame, God made sure that he filled in as much of the curve as he could. As such (as demonstrated by my superb butt-double here), much of my "junk" hangs well out of the "trunk". And to top it all off, they are low-rise. So I'm not quite sure whether I should be showing crack above the top, or butt below the bottom. Its quite confusing, and as such, I spent more of the day wondering about my undergarment placement than the "strategic market-facing opportunities" I was supposed to focus on during our management meeting.

If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to get custom made panties that are designed with this butt in mind. Until then, I think there is a lacy pink pair of boy shorts that will have to wait until the doctor comes home to be entertained.

Slightly disrespectfully submitted,

The Wife


Instant Tragedy: Just Add Sean said...

See Doc, she goes from talking about men, to showing you her butt in panties.

Come home soon :)

"Wait a min... I'm writing on her blog"

Well as a free range boxer man, I can understand your pain. Actually I can't. You see...

Men don't care about socks or underwear. The only ones we wear are :

a. Comfortable.
b. Given to us by our mom's
c. Clean considering that we normally throw out the ones we have after we are given new ones by mom.

You see The Wife, men want comfort. We aren't stylish, we're men.

Show me a stylish man, and I'll show you a place that you can find him. Normally a gay bar.

There are exceptions to the rule, but men are traditionally slobs.

We care about making money, making whoopie and drinking tasty beverages while watching sporting events.

NOW some of us are classy and do the last one WITH clothes on, but I digress.

I understand your need to find the perfect panty but let me remind you, that if as men if we get to see those delicate undergarments we are only doing them justice if we notice them on the floor next to the bed.

Then again...

I might just be wrong!

The Wife said...

Thanks for the male perspective, Sean.

I don't believe they make comfortable underwear for us, so about the only place these boy shorts should end up is the floor!

lol - think that fine picture will increase my male readership?

The Wife

Hunter Silvastorm said...

"...can't decide whether or not I should be showing crack above the panties, or butt below the panties..."

Hey! I'm a guy. I opt for you wearing something that shows both.

Great Blog post!
Hunter Silvastorm

The Wife said...

Should I be disturbed that this last comment is from my father-in-law? Or do I rest easy knowing he's legally blind and I could eat dinner in the buff with him and he wouldn't know the difference?

Like father, like son, I guess.

The Wife

The Sister said...

Custom made panties. That would be awesome! When i become a multi-millionaire I will add panties to the long list of items I will have customized to fit me. Shoes, clothes, countertops, shower heads, cars and panties.