Dear John . . .

Or whatever your name is.

My apologies that, at this juncture, I am unable to accept your offer of "friendship" on Orkut. While some might find the idea of an almost 40-year old mother of two having a "friendship" with an 18-year old single male appealing, I must defer for the following reasons.

• You have four names. Not even hyphenated. I only have three, and I'm married. I have a policy against being friends with people with too many names that they did not acquire through marriage or other socially acceptable forms of acquiring names and titles.
• You are 18. You still think the world revolves around you. It does not. It revolves around me.
• You live with your parents. I don't find that as appealing as you do.
• I have two sons. If I want to be reminded of how shallow, self-centered, and immature 18 year olds can be, I just need to wait seven more years.
• You aren't old enough to drive the rental car on vacation without paying three times the price I pay.
• You aren't old enough to drink.
• All of your other "friends" leave messages filled with emoticons and text speak. I actually prefer to use the full English language most days.
• You aren't that cute. Not that looks are all that matter . . . just saying.
• Your profile contains nothing intellectually stimulating.
• I need intellectual stimulation.
• I'm old enough to be your mother.

Please accept my apologies. No hard feelings. Good luck in your search for other "friends."

Sincerely,

The Wife (Mrs. Chako)

PS: Sorry for the extensive letter . . . I just realized I can click "yes" or "no" in response to your offer for friendship. The internet makes blowing people off so much easier . . .