Sunday, March 28, 2010

Some Things I'll Never Understand

I don't understand why hot dogs come in packages of 10 and buns in packages of 8. I don't understand where lost socks go. I don't understand why it only rains when I wash my car or wear suede shoes.

I don't understand supernatural phenomena. Unlike my husband, I've never seen a UFO or a ghost. I've never had a premonition. Sometimes, I have eerie coincidences, but that's about as close as I get to anything that requires eerie music in the soundtrack of my life.

I don't understand diseases I can't see, touch, or that medical professionals cannot extract or show me on a scan. Which means I don't understand most psychological disorders.

I don't understand addiction - I like a good buzz now and then too, but how can you not walk away from alcohol, cigarettes, or other destructive substances that you can't seem to control consuming in large quantities, regardless of the outcome to your job, your relationships, or your life. It doesn't seem logical.

I don't understand panic attacks and anxiety disorders. Have my knees ever gotten a little shaky during a speech in front of a big audience? Sure. Have I ever been unable to leave my house to go the grocery store? No.

I don't understand depression. I do know what it's like to want to pull the covers back up over my head some mornings. I don't know what its like to have that feeling every day for months on end with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't get me wrong. I'm sympathetic. I try to keep an open mind, realizing that just because I cannot conceive of anxiety, multiple personalities, chronic fatigue, depression, or any other "ism" involving the brain doesn't mean it's not real, shouldn't be treated, or can't be as debilitating as traditional corporeal illnesses.

But my lack of understanding has gotten me shaking my head again. I learned Friday that I lost an uncle - to suicide. No obvious signs of depression or problems. He'd recently been laid off from work - but these days, who hasn't? No note. No messages for anyone - not his wife, his kids, his grandkids, his friends. A single call to 911 telling them where to find him.

I started to ask myself why, and forced myself to stop. Without an obvious clearly articulated essay by the victim, I'll never get to a satisfactory "why" by myself because . . . well, I don't understand it. And probably never will. It's just not something I can ever conceive of, even in the worst of circumstances.

I've spoken to my mother multiple times this weekend, trying to help her plan and think and sort it out. I caught her doing the same thing . . . "I just don't understand 'why' . . ." And I stopped her.

"You can't keep asking yourself that question, Mom, or you'll be asking it forever. We'll never understand."

What I really meant was "I'll never understand."

Respectfully submitted,

The Wife


DrChako said...

Consider yourself fortunate. We are all wired differently. Your wiring must have been placed by a master electrician. Mine was probably completed on the second day at DeVry.

We all feel this loss.


MHG said...

Sorry for the loss, I also lost an uncle to suicide. It was about a decade ago and we know why he did it. Although knowing the reason, it still doesn't make any sense.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this.

Unknown said...

Lost socks go to sock heaven. It's a nice place, where dogs, little boys and angry dryers are not there to chew, rip or tear holes in them (or, in the case of a dryer, fry them like a victim in a nuclear war movie). And since one sock is a single, its perfect companion is waiting to ball with it until the original partner joins it.
It's a place where tube socks and NBA basketball socks are separated because who wants to associate with those. And Bleach is never used. And fabric softeners always is.

Sounds nice huh?

Deep, long sigh.

P.S. I already said sorry on Facebook, so I thought I would make you laugh. I think I failed horribly but in this case the effort is worth as much as the result.

Bayne_S said...

Sorry for your loss.

Everyone is wired a bit differently and it can only take a short period in the wrong mindset to make a final decision.

I also lost an Uncle to suicide, I was shocked it happened but first question I asked was "Did he take anyone else with him?"

I was relieved when answer was no

dbcooper said...

Sorry for your loss. I like you never understood alcoholics, drug users and smokers. Couldn't figure out why they just didn't suck it up. Then something happened to me. I had a panic attack. Thought I was having a heart attack. Turned it was just stress that caused it. This from a guy who ran marathons and always thought he had it all together. It was a wake up call that things in life can change in a flash. Again sorry for your loss.

Betty Underground said...

thoughts and hugs to you

BWoP said...

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.