Saturday, November 21, 2009

Letter to a Friend

Dear Bella,

Hey, I know its been a while, and you've been all busy with that movie and your guys and all. I finally gave in and went to see it - even though all my friends said it was lame. But you're my friend. And besides, now that you're all famous, we don't get to talk so much, so I figured I'd see it and catch up with your life.

Girl, as your friend, I'm gonna be honest. You're a little messed up.

First of all, Edward is starting to confuse me. I've never seen a man so brooding, who never says anything. The way he left you? Girl, you should have totally dumped him and said "good riddance". Not sat around in your room sulking for months. I mean, seriously, he couldn't even come up with something lame like "its not you, its me" - he just took off. This is not good.

I know you have a thing for bad guys. Maybe since you're not having sex with the guy, it gets you all hot that simply going to his house is totally dangerous and stuff. I get the whole bad guy (well, bad family) thing. And I get that he's hot in kind of a mysterious creepy way that makes it seem like he's going to eat you every time he kisses you. I know, I know, I told you last time how hot that was . . . but now its just getting to be kind of weird.

I know he's all sparkly, but seriously, Bel . . . he could use a tan. And he really doesn't talk alot - how can you really know a guy who doesn't talk alot? So its not the sex, and its not the conversation - you can't get hung up on that whole immortality bit, can you?

The thing that really made me think you're losing it, though, girlfriend, is the whole Jacob thing. I mean, he's been hanging around you like a little puppy for years. And you don't pay him any attention until Edward leaves, and now suddenly its "Jacob, fix my bike" "Jacob, go to the movies with me" "Jacob, hang out with me" . . . you're giving him mixed signals and its just mean. Like why do you stand in his space like that, knowing you won't kiss him or anything? That's just cruel. He's sixteen. You know he's getting a little woody every time you just glance at him - standing in the zone is just being torturous. You know I wouldn't pooh-pooh a little flirtation now and then, but sheesh, Bella - you're just toying with him.

And really, that whole "I love you - but if you make me choose, its him" thing was just wrong. I know YOU know you love him in that "friend" way, but I've been around the block enough to know that guys can't love you in that "friend" way - so when he hears "love" he's hearing the "love-love" kind. So that was just like a big kick in the balls, right in front of Edward and everything. Kind of playing dirty Bella. Just sayin'.

Not that I'm saying you should go for Jacob. I mean, he's lookin' pretty buff these days - did you see his abs? I mean REALLY see them? Yeah, I know I sound like a cougar, but seriously. He's not the same little kid he was last time I saw him. But seriously Bel - he's A WEREWOLF!!! He could rip you apart!

I mean, why can't you just like the football captain, or the moody guitarist in your calculus class? Or Mike. Go for Mike. I know he's simple - but he's a nice kid. Why do you have to go for the guys who are secretly monsters? Not in the figurative sense - literally, these guys are monsters. They make horror movies about them. HELLO!!!!!

I'm telling you, guys who make you run off to Rome to find them, put you in danger with some ancient group of vampires, and who's family wants to eat you every time you get a paper cut are probably not a good long-term thing. I know he asked you to marry him, and maybe that seemed all romantic and stuff, but Bel - you're 18. You have a whole life ahead of you. He's 108 or something. I mean, I know he looks good for 108 and everything, but you come from different generations. Think about that. My mom and dad are only 14 years apart and even they have their differences.

You're a big girl. I can't force you to do anything. But as your friend, I'm just saying, you gotta stop jerking around poor Jacob. And the whole moody thing (you, and Edward) is starting to wear on people . . . I just don't want you to lose friends.

I still love you Bel . . . but I don't know if I can keep watching you do this to yourself.

Especially at $10.00 per show (popcorn excluded).

Love, your pal,

Mrs. Chako


SirFWALGMan said...

Go Werewolf they do it doggy style! YA! I may turn totally ghey if I read twilight.

PrinceofHouston said...

Don't touch the popcorn, it like 3 quarter pounders with 12 pats of butter or something crazy like that.