Dear John . . .

Yes, I know how difficult it must have been to resist our collective hotness. Betty and I can be a formidable force, when combined. I mean really, have you seen how hot she's lookin' lately?

And you had a good start. "Nice dress" is infinitely preferable to "nice ass", at least prior to a first date.

And when we finally got seated outside near your table, I'll even give you credit for "nice shoes." Because they were.

The offer for the foot massage? Might have been the start of a little too much. Pulling up a chair and almost sitting on top of me? You could have at least offered to pick up our bill. I mean, what's a couple glasses of wine to a well-to-do gentleman like yourself? And yes, I know this body is tight. And so does Betty. But thanks for pointing it out a thousand times. Look where that got you.

I'm going to have to deduct points for the poor eyesight. Failure to notice the diamonds was a mistake. I'm also deducting points for hearing loss. Because Betty having to tell you 17 times that I was married clearly indicates some serious auditory lapse. And big point deduction for suggesting the threesome. I believe you weren't anywhere close to convincing one of us to sleep with you, much less two of us at the same time. Come on, is there any man worthy of our collective amazing-ness? And negative fashion points. Regardless of how cool you think it is that you own a plumbing/contracting business, the company-logo Hanes t-shirt isn't a big turn on.

Oh, and that was the picture of class as you left. "Show me what's under the dress." Yeah. That and the "Flash Friday" grafitti scratched into the dirt on semi-trailers is really all it takes for me to get all publicly exposed. Dude, if Waffles hasn't seen samba panties in person, YOU certainly won't.

By the time you left, I'm guessing you were negative on overall score. Except laughter points. You had us laughing all the way to our next adventure.

So, dear John, I'm sorry to say I'll never be yours.

If you are still not sure why, you might want to check with your ex wife. She might be able to help you understand the "ex" part.

Respectfully submitted,

The Wife