Dear Mr. Colin H. Martin, staff, Intercontinental Bank Plc:
As a former auditor, I was extremely skeptical and when I read your email, as I was certain this was another one of those bank scams. Imagine my pleasant surprise when I realized this wasn't some phony deal with same fake Nigerian diplomat trying to move his fake money out of Nigeria without political intervention. I mean, really . . . why would the Nigerian government pick me?
Clearly your responsibility for handling Mr. Ken Lay and Mr. Jeffrey Skilling's money through unnamed company accounts is a respectable and legitimate endeavor that your bank has entrusted to you, unlike that Nigerian money laundering stuff. It is unfortunate that their present circumstances (death and incarceration), combined with their lack of a named beneficiary on these accounts means their legitimate heirs won't benefit. However, as you must certainly feel, knowing their role in the Enron debacle, perhaps it seems just and fitting that for men who orchestrated one of the worst financial shams in the world, their personal fortunes could now be able to be so easily co-opted by the man who helped them shelter their ill-gotten gains in the first place.
Certainly you are entitled to use this money for your own personal benefit; after all, think of the burdens you must have had to bear during the highly-publicized downfall of Enron, knowing that you helped these men of questionable ethics drowning in their own sea of financial amorality, shelter the very money they effectively stole from thousands of employees, retirees, and pension-holders. No amount of money can compensate you for having to compromise your own ethics and personal beliefs to help them gain from the financial ruin of others.
As such, I am more than happy to help you claim your portion of the $25 million now sitting in your bank with no official claim. I do realize how it may look like a conflict of interest if you were to go directly to the bank and claim this money yourself, so feel free to use me as the appropriate beneficiary. Although I have no personal or business relationship to Mr. Lay or Mr. Skilling, and have never had any investment in Enron, I am certain you chose me for my personal financial acumen and demonstrated fiscal responsibility. Certainly the bank officials will understand that rationale. I am also confident that your assurances that this will be handled in accordance with International Monetary Guidelines will not raise any undue attention around the transfer. Given the significant amount of documentation you've already done to enable that transfer, I believe your request of a commission of 60% of the funds is certainly fair and reasonable.
Attached please find the information on my personal accounts and data you require to effect the transfer. Look forward to seeing the money in my accounts soon. I am hopeful you can complete this transaction prior to Hanukkah; between this and the distribution I am still expecting from my investments with a Mr. Bernie Madoff, I may be able to buy my husband the new Ferrari he wants, and maybe pick up the tab for my friends in Vegas in December.
PS - I also included my social security number - I figured you might need it to complete the transfer to my bank accounts.
PPS - Just in case anyone asks, my first pet was named "Queenie"