Thursday, January 31, 2008
How about my new identity?
I have been known for a lot of things. As a businesswoman. As a mom. As a student. As a wife.
I have NEVER been known for my car. Until today. "M" was in the shop (I'm calling it that until I have uncovered its true gender and name) for some leather/fabric/paint protectant. Part of the purchase deal. I was driving a loaner car. When I left the parking garage, the nice parking attendant took my ticket and says "What happened to your red car?"
I've been parking there for years. He's been working there for the last year, at least. Not once did he ever make mention of my minivan.
So now, after only a week, I'm that woman in the red car. Watch out!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Living wills. Euthanasia. Assisted suicide. But its about quality of life.
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room, discussing life decisions, and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
What a bitch.
Friday, January 25, 2008
1. Just drove it off the showroom floor.
2. At the Chako house.
"What's that son?"
Ok, go wipe up the coffee you just spewed out of your nose. Fortunately, I was not drinking anything at that moment, and, like most mothers, I have practiced the ability to not show emotion when your children present you with shocking information.
"Uh . . . sure son. Let's search Google." So I let him put it in the search bar, knowing the inherent danger of searching the world wide web for "beaver" hits. But satisfied that the first three pages of search results appeared to be of the National Geographic/Animal Planet variety of beavers, I let him search. I laid on the floor, closing my eyes, trying to catch some much needed rest.
A moment later, my heart leaped into my throat.
"Uh . . . that's not a beaver . . ." a confused young man said.
I sat up as quickly as I could, trying to clear the haze from my eyes. Trying to focus on the screen, prepare for damage control. My eyes cleared and the first thing I saw was blond, teased hair, pretty blue eyes . . .
It was a website for Kathy Beaver, Remax agent. Selling real estate.
Tragedy averted. Well, at least for another year or two.
* * * * *
This morning, I showed up to my client's office, ready to log into the web and get working. They have a security system that requires us to log into a private secure website and then go through our own secure site. The log in procedure is pretty simple - open up internet explorer, try to launch an external website, the internal login in will pop up . . . and yada, yada, yada.
Normally, I open up IE and try to launch AOL. This morning, for whatever reason, I decided to try to open msn.com. I don't know if I just have slippery fingers (the "a" key is very close to the "s" key) . . . or if things have really gotten this bad.
But in a room full of people I supervise, I logged into the internet . . .
and found myself logged into www . man . com.
Fortunately, its just site of links, as opposed to pictures.
But with link descriptions like that, you really don't need pictures.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
So let me clarify . . .
- This man is under my supervision on one of my engagements. However, he's only in our office a couple days a week, and I am not working with him every moment of those days.
- He actually was a model in college (print, runway, did some Jockey ads, etc.) but is now an auditor. Just like the rest of us auditors. Who really all look that good under our clothes.
- He wears normal office clothes, and doesn't go around ripping his shirt off. In his normal office clothes, he looks like any other slightly pretty 20-something in a button down and khakis.
- He's blonde-haired and blue-eyed. For those of you who KNOW me, you know that my tendencies clearly run toward the dark-haired, dark-eyed beauties. You know. Cusack. Antonio Banderas. Benicio Murillo. Johnny Depp. Otis. Joe Speaker. . . . oh, yeah. My husband.
- He's still below the age of 30. While some of you might find this appealing, I find my tendencies have started to slide further along the age scale. 40 isn't a bad number anymore.
So today, I am not working with any super models (just normal accountants who hide their hotness underneath their conservative exteriors).
However, I am in love with the new little red hottie that is now parked in my garage . . . its pretty like a "she" . . . but it purrs like a "he" when I drive it . . . either way, it's making me happy.
Editors Note: This is NOT a thinly veiled attempt to distract attention from the subject in order to give my husband a false sense of security. I would gladly submit to a polygraph on the matter for all your skeptics - I do not have the hots for model-boy. I did glance at the picture once or twice. Maybe 12 times. But only for purposes of assessing the skills of his photographer.
Should I actually HAVE the hots for anyone my husband should be worried about (short of all "LIST"-makers), I would NEVER post identifying details (like bare-chested pictures) for my loyal readership. I love you all dearly, but you are the WORST secret keepers in the world.
But thanks, Waffles, for trying to psychoanalyze me.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Respectfully (and unfaithfully) submitted,
Friday, January 18, 2008
B.W.O.P. is the cutest little Asian Jew this non-Asian Jew knows. Thanks for the nod in your post. Her Awards post is definitely worth the read. Thanks for calling me out on my Otis fantasy again. Just in case his wife didn't read it the FIRST time.
Always read Betty when you need a good girl read. She's got awesome photos too. One of these days I may blow some money on a camera if I can get convinced I could shoot what she shoots. She's also got a secret smut post . . . worth a good read when you are by yourself. Well, maybe you and your Rabbit (right Kat?).
Read my husband. Leave comments. The poor guy is still stuck in a desert. Granted, as busy and hectic as I am, I sometimes wish I was stuck in a desert without all of this stuff around me. But when I talk to him, he'd trade me in a heartbeat. Keep him in your thoughts until he's home.
Read CC. I never know if I'm going to see naked women on couches or an analysis of the recession on his blog from day to day. At least I am always surprised.
Keep relaying poker stories . . . I don't have time to play. Although I may join Cayne in his home game in a few weeks . . . might be a good break.
I'll post when I have a new car.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
No time for anything right now.
Wish I had something more clever and insightful to share today.
So instead I will send you to comedian Demetri Martin. He is clever and insightful. And funny enough to almost make me pee my pants sometimes. Good thing I have fantastic bladder control.
Go look him up. Try to find his graph comparing the attractiveness of a woman to how much he wants to hear how intuitive her cat is.
Respectfully (and hurriedly) submitted,
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
So in a nutshell, here is my life:
- No new car yet
- No insurance money yet
- No poker
- No free time
- No one in my bed but the pillow "man"
- Too much work
- Too little time
I'll catch up with y'all when I can come up for air.
Monday, January 14, 2008
But he's a nice guy. So I popped over to his blog today. I think we may have traded places. I present the evidence.
Falstaff could be MrsChako:
- Recommends switching to higher yield savings, regardless of bank loyalty.
- Recommends reducing debt load, particularly on credit cards.
- Recommends additional principal payments on mortgage.
- Rebalancing 401k.
- Increasing work hours.
- Increased focus at work is a priority.
MrsChako could be Falstaff:
- Losing weight.
- Wearing a skirt right now.
- Looking at expensive cars that will likely be purchased by the end of the week.
- Car shopping has involved only performance and options, with no regard to price yet.
- Thinking about getting a CrackBerry.
- Hasn't updated Quicken in 6 months.
- Lack of job focus.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Audi A6 3.2 L
Lexus GS350 AWD
In the SUV category:
No choices yet. Not looked at price either, which might sway me. Feel free to add your car insights to the mix, or let me know if I left something critical off.
Note to my readers: When discussing the relative merits of these vehicles with the BMW dealer, I was saying I thought the BMW was more performance, not ride. He said "Miss, by the way your drive, I would say you NEED performance."
Saturday, January 12, 2008
I took on 12 of them. In one day. Each with his own personality. Each one more beautiful than the next. A 10-hour marathon; back to back. Didn't even take a break in between. OK, that's a lie - I needed food after the first 3 1/2 hours. By the time I was done, I was famished. I downed more bottles of water than I can count. A girl gets thirsty with that kind of activity.
I even, dare I say it, missed seeing the whole Packers/Seahawks game. I insisted on catching updates now and then, between stints. But I gave up Favre for these 12 honeys.
All of them similar, but different in small ways. Some smaller, some bigger. Some dark. Some light. Some were smooth, some a little rougher. Some were quiet, some liked to make a little more noise. All of them fast. Some whispering . . . some purring . . . some with that low rumble. All of them begging me to make them mine. For a price.
Oh yeah, you guessed it . . .
The Wife went luxury car shopping.
A rabbi was talking to precocious six-year-old Mendel.
"So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That's very commendable. What does she actually say?"
Little Mendel replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
Friday, January 11, 2008
(The lead-in is a discussion about my 10-year old son's fascination with Jenna Jameson, adult film star and current girlfriend of UFC's own Tito Ortiz. This conversation has been edited for length and emphasis.)
The Wife: On of these days, he's gonna Google her and find out that she's not just Tito Ortiz's girlfirend.
DadChako: (Profoundly) Yup.
The Wife: I guess this porn thing with boys is inevitable, huh? They're all gonna find it eventually.
DadChako: (Profoundly) Yup.
The Wife: Maybe I should start subscribing to the Victoria's Secret Catalog so he has something to steal. I could tolerate that.
DadChako: Well, that's really just the munchies before the full meal . . .
Did my father-in-law just say that to me in a conversation? "Munchies"?
I think I need to go wash my brain thoroughly to get that out of my head.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
"Mommy, I want to go to Disneyland."
"Son, we just went to Disneyland last year. Do you want to go every year?"
"Yes. I like that place."
"Well, we can't go now. We have to wait until Daddy gets home and talk to him. Daddy would be sad if he found out we went to Disneyland without him."
"Well, you should just not tell him."
* * * * *
Sorry honey, your children are going to be a bad influence on me.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I was on my way to work, when I saw a petite woman standing along side of an older Volvo wagon, holding a gas can. It was a typical winter Seattle morning - gray, raining, cold. Before I knew it, I had pulled over and let her in the car.
"Thanks, she said. Wasn't looking forward to the walk. What a bad day to run out of gas."
I pulled back into traffic, ready to drop her about 1/2 a mile away. She started talking again and my "uh oh" meter started to go off.
"I hate that I keep running out of gas (uh oh). I've got this interview for a job today. Pays $15 an hour. I need that job (uh oh). I didn't finish school. Kinda stupid, I know (uh oh). God, I hope I have money for gas (uh oh)."
At this point she's digging change out of her pockets. I am in the rental car, so fortunately the normal $10 worth of change we have laying around is not there. I eye my purse in the space between us. "Sorry, can't help you there (uh oh. Mentally calculating how much cash I have and will lose, when she rolls me. Wondering if she's armed. Wondering what do I have in the car that I can use as a weapon. Whether or not I can take her in a fist fight, if she's not armed. I've got at least 4 inches on her, but she looks solid and I just lost weight. I'm wearing heels and a suit. Last fight I was in was more than 20 years ago in high school.)."
We arrive at the gas station and she jumps out. "Can you wait for me, for just a minute? (uh oh)" Petitions a few people for change. Goes into the store. I momentarily have this thought of throwing the car in gear and bolting. But I don't. She pumps gas into her gas can. Comes back to the car.
We drove in near silence to her car. "Gas station attendant put an extra $1.00 on the machine. I hate to keep running out of gas (uh oh, only two more blocks to go)."
I arrive back at her car. She thanks me. I drive off, quickly as I can. Realizing that when I'm the only parent on this continent, that was a risk I probably shouldn't have taken.
Or maybe it wasn't really a risk at all.
How many karma points does that buy me? Would it have bought me more without all the "uh oh's"?
If you run out of gas, I apologize in advance for not stopping. I'm still questioning my choice.
Monday, January 7, 2008
So here is my try:
- A GPS system that skips the pleasant "Lost satellite reception" message and instead says "You'd better hope like hell you know where you are going, because we're somewhere between Hell's Half Acre and BFE Nowhere, and I ain't never found my way outta here before."
- A cell phone 411 message that says "City and State, please. Not like our voice recognition software will recognize what you say anyway. But go ahead and try. You can hang up at anytime if you don't get the results you want. We don't care. We already charged your cell phone account the $1.50 when you pressed 'call'."
- A computer smart enough that in addition to the little "beep" when you hit the wrong key, it shouts out "You're F---ed Now" the second before you get the BSOD (blue screen of death).
- A security system that doesn't just beep at you when the wind blows the door open, but shouts out, in your mother's voice, "Are you trying to heat the whole neighborhood?"
- An electronic scale with kind gentle words. Like "Wow MrsChako. Not only are you lighter, but look how perfectly prominent your hip bones are." Or "No worries . . . few more pounds today, honey, but men like a little meat on your ass." Or "Honey, you are smart, successful, happy - don't define yourself by a number like this." Or simply, "Damn girl, I don't even know why you are on this scale - you are looking fine!"
Maybe it was spending 30 minutes with the au pair watching "The Wedding Date", seeing Dermot Mulroney (HOT!) almost kiss Debra Messing, and having her smile for the first time in a week or two. Maybe it was a call from a friend or two. Maybe it was that the rental car I'm driving only costs $70 for the week, while the other car is in limbo. Maybe it's that the au pair not only got comfortable driving the minivan, but actually seems to prefer it. Or that my youngest son today was happy and cooperative and wanted to learn Portuguese. Maybe it's that, like my friend, I slipped easily into clothing I haven't worn in years and have to say, I look pretty darn good in it. Maybe it was a small glimpse of Mt. Rainier and sunshine this morning, before the clouds took over. Maybe it's talking with my in-laws and realizing I married into a pretty good family.
Work is a bitch, but that is to be expected in my chosen field right now. At least it's predictable, unlike what my husband is dealing with.
I guess I'm saying we're all alive, healthy, fed, clothed and sheltered . . . with a whole lot more.
Maybe I can find my way to that open window today, and breathe in the fresh air.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
But its been the toughest so far. The kids have never seemed more unpredictable and irrational. I don't think I've fully adjusted to having this new person live in my house. The empty bed seems emptier. Work just keeps getting tougher. Friend have emotional events. Family members pass away. Cars get totaled. My patience is just about at its limits.
Then my selfish, self-pitying ass gets kicked by a few people at just the right time.
Sometimes, it is Falstaff, who, touched by the tragedy of worldwide events that hits a little closer to our hearts, takes a moment to send a wish out to my hubby.
Sometimes it is a comment, or personal e-mail from BamBam at exactly the right time.
Sometimes it is CC, who has chosen to spend his own personal mental energy to involve himself in our day to day struggles and concerns, offering up spiritual guidance on a day where it is most needed. Or providing suggestions for me to steal a car, rather than buy another used one.
Sometimes it is Betty, a kindred soul in many ways, who has touched me with her writing and reached out to me with the personal, girly communications I need to make me feel like I'm normal too. Our first drink together will be on me.
And sometimes it is just the whole community of you goofballs and having someone else's perspectives to look forward to each day.
So thank you.
Now excuse me, I think I need to go buy (steal?) a used car.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
We also throw in the standard Texas Hold 'Em home game. I work with a few Mormons, so to keep things fair and fun, we usually have one practice round, or we play a free round and I throw in a "winner-takes-all" prize, like a movie or gift card or something fun, so its not technically gambling. Then we add on a money round (or two, if we have time).
It was a great party, all around - folks had fun, enjoyed the games, although I bubbled both times - both times got rivered, by the less experienced player who was behind. But still had fun.
Now, I'm left with my post-party house. The beer buzz is wearing off, the friends are gone, the kitchen needs cleaning. And I still don't have a new car for the au pair.
And I go to bed alone.
Just FYI, this is getting old.
Friday, January 4, 2008
The dreams were harsh. But the rest was needed.
Today, I'm left with two kids who are being amazingly helpful. Son #1 fed Son #2 breakfast so I could take him to preschool. Last night, Son #1 gave the au pair her juice in his prized light-up Rainforest Cafe cup. They have empathy.
But I'm left with one "kid" who's still shaken up. Still doesn't understand. Wants a mother, not an employer. Needs more of me than I think I have time or energy to give. Thinks she's dying. Doesn't seem to trust me when I say she's going to hurt like hell for a few days but then will get better.
And I'm left with one more thing on my ever-growing "To Do" list - buy a new car. Estimate to repair is more than I paid - can't imagine the insurance company is going to do anything but total it.
So instead of shopping for shoes or clothes or jewelry (which my husband knows I'm too frugal to buy anyway), I'll be haggling with used car dealers all weekend.
Oh well - at least I can be a bitch and be justified.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Because I am awake. No, I have not been awake all night. I actually tried to go to bed. I woke up an hour ago and have not been able to get back to sleep.
I've tried tweezing stray leg hairs. I did push ups and crunches. I thought about reading, but would have to start a new book, as I just finished my last one. I read my horoscope. I read my one new e-mail. I thought about my son's trick of drinking warm milk, but that makes me sick.
So I'm here, writing this post, and PO'd. Because the only thing I like better than, say, the obvious things (diamonds, massages, dark-haired exotic movie stars) . . . is sleep.
Yesterday was the start of my "official" busy season. I worked in the office until 8:30 p.m. last night, came home, and put in another couple hours of work. I NEED my sleep.
Instead, I'm sitting here wide awake.
Just call me "Sleepless In Seattle" - tomorrow (tonight?) you'll probably be calling me "Exhausted".
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
I have been a sounding board for a colleague. Dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. An unexpected life commitment. The uncertainty. The fear. The obligation. There were only two choices in their mind . . . termination or marriage. Termination was unacceptable. They faced their inevitable choice, even though it wasn't the preferred choice of either party, because they thought it was the right and honorable thing to do.
This morning, I learned that nature made a different decision for them. Maybe, someday, they will come to see this as a blessing. Tomorrow, they will face difficult decisions about their relationship, their future. Today, however, they just suffer a loss.
And I have no words for them.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
So what will I do today, then, to start off 2008? Today, I update my "List". You may call it "The List", the "Laminated List", the "Get Out of Jail Free List" (thanks, Kat) . . . whatever name it goes by, its still the same. You know, those 1, 5, 10 . . . whatever the number is . . . people for whom no permission is necessary should they proposition you with extramarital sex. And I know I just updated it in November. But its 2008. New year.
You talk to newly married couples and both will feign indignance - what kind of marriage could you have that you would ever permit your spouse to be unfaithful? You talk to old married couples and they can rattle off their own list, rattle off their spouse's list, and probably discuss the last 5 years worth of comers and goers to their respective lists.
I think we had one or two of those blissful years of ignorance. Then, we both became practical people. So we had a serious discussion and set the ground rules. (A) Only famous ** people - no one from the office or anything too close and personal. (B) Only 5 people on the list at a time. I don't know, does 10 make you a slut, but 5 is socially acceptable infidelity? It really just seemed like a good number, so we went with it. (C) Any updates to the list must be communicated timely (i.e., before said infidelity takes place). There are no retroactive adjustments to the list ex post facto.
So to start 2008, I propose to update my list for all to see.
- Hugh Jackman
- Antonio Banderas
- Jason Statham
- Johnny Depp
- Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Mel B's partner on "Dancing With The Stars")
On reserve, just in case I need to update quickly, are (in no particular order)
- Murilo Benicio ("Woman on Top")
- Oded Fehr
- Clive Owen
- John Cusack *
- Edward Norton *
Less than 4 months 'til the hubby is home . . . and his workout schedule has left him pretty buff, based on his last picture. Bring on the propositions, boys . . . I might be busy in April!
Until then, your shoes are welcome under my bed.
* Editor's addition - how could I have forgotten
** Editor's clarifcation: Thank you, Betty, for your insight. Although we have not scripted out the exact definition of "famous", I believe, for purposes of this list, that "famous" would NOT included any bloggers, internet degenerates, or anyone else my husband would consider "close and personal". Even A-listers. Unless you become President or a famous movie star or buy a professional sports team or something else that qualifies you.